For some of you, the winter is coming. For others, the winter has already rammed its gruesome face through your beautiful mahogany door, eerily announcing its presence with a murderously cold gust of wind and maybe an ax as well.
But never fear! STORMTECH is here! And yes, they do brand themselves with all caps, it’s not just me being really excited about this line of technical apparel (but I am actually pretty excited).
Who is STORMTECH, you ask? It’s a Canadian company that caters products for those of you who like to stay active, come wind, rain, or snow. Their broad line of technical jackets, parkas, shirts, vests, bags, and more are fully functional and constructed to last you many fall and winter seasons. And like all technical clothing, their apparel is fashionable AND functional, great for layering, and excellent at wicking away moisture to keep you dry (because being wet, sweaty, and cold is NOT a good combination).
And what’s awesome about STORMTECH is that they don’t sacrifice comfort for functionality. They have tons of soft shell jackets that provide comparable waterproof protection, and their polyester shirts maintain the comfort of cotton without the soaking-up-sweat-like-a-sponge quality. Most of their line also features their H2X Waterproof technology, which will allow you to stay out longer… and not end up like this guy here:
Here are a couple of my favorite products (including my favorite descriptions. Because I’m awesome. AND VAIN. LOOVVVEEE MEEEEEE):
Have you ever wondered what the definitions are for “Epsilon” beyond the letter E in the Greek alphabet? Well, apparently it means something small that can be safely looked over, much UNLIKE this STORMTECH B-1 Men’s Epsilon 3-in-1 Shell Jacket. This rain jacket packs a powerful punch in the face to every little water droplet that hurtles its tiny body at you because it’s got an H2XTREME waterproof and breathable outer shell, comfortably lined with soft matrix fleece bonded inside of the outshell. It’s also flexible in more ways than one. This men’s jacket features an interchangeable, zip-out thermal liner quilted with light polyfill so you can customize your body temperature with ease, depending on the weather. Too cold? Put it on. Too hot? Take it off without sacrificing the protection of the waterproof outer shell. For even more of a customized fit, you’ve got the laser-cut adjustable cuff tabs to keep the wind out of your sleeves, and the detachable, adjustable hood to keep the wind from slapping you upside the head. For more wind protection, there’s a full-length stormflap with draft-guard. To top it all off, there’s an embossed logo detail on the right sleeve so everyone knows you mean business with this STORMTECH jacket. Hm, you know what? Maybe keep the awesomeness of this jacket epsil-on the down low so that you can have a monopoly on wearing the coolest jacket on the block.
Why wear one color when you can wear two with this CL-1 Women’s Two-Tone Polo with H2X-DRY Moisture Management. This isn’t a jacket, but jacket rhymes with three-button placket, which is a classic feature on this women’s polo shirt. Yes, that’s right, you have not one, not two, but three levels of unbuttoning action that people will go crazy for. There’s also the durable 1×1 rib knit collar that you can pop if you want to or not if you don’t want to because either way, people will holler $holler at that collar. But don’t drop the bass just yet, we still have yet to look at that fancy heat transfer back neck label. Once your friend finally complains, “Man, I hate when the tag at the back of my shirt makes me feel all uncomfortable and stuff,” you’ll be ready to say, “good thing I have a heat transfer back neck label instead of one of those gross labels that stick out and stuff!” YEAH, YOU SURE SHOWED YOUR FRIEND. Then you can walk away, flaunting your sleeve and back mesh inserts because not only are you awesome, but so is your polo t-shirt.
You’re a man. A manly kind of man. And you don’t care about looking stoic and expressionless if your emotions are storming beneath the surface. Let’s be real here. If it’s cold, rainy weather, you need a warm, Teflon wind and water repellent jacket, like this STORMTECH BHS-1 Men’s Lightweight Softshell Jacket. No one is going to question your manhood if you keep yourself warm and dry because you can’t take the weather. And if they do, just laugh in their faces when they’re at home, sick in bed because they stood out in the rain with a Hawaiian shirt and shorts on. This isn’t a competition on who can survive the cold in the least amount of clothing. This is survival. Let this rain jacket do the work for you, with the stand-up collar to keep your man chin and man neck shielded from the wind, the center front reverse-taped zipper to keep the cold away from your man body, the laser-cut adjustable cuff tabs to keep the gusty winds out of your sleeves (this isn’t a magic trick, there really is nothing up your sleeves, except for your warm man arms), embroidery access, and an interior zippered security pocket to keep your man accessories safe and sound when the cloudy floodgates start to open. Conclusion? Attain this softshell jacket, maintain manhood. And health, which is the real winner here (unlike the wiener staying home sick, still too proud to wear a good jacket out in the cold weather).
One step forward, NO STEPS BACK in this STORMTECH EP-2 Men’s Ascent Pant with H2XTREME waterproof and breathable outer shell to stay warm and dry. Never back away from a challenge with these awesome rain pants, featuring an internal elastic waist for a proper fit. They’ve got belt loops with adjustable side tabs, a zippered security pocket, and brushed tricot hand warmer pockets that do exactly what you think they do (THEY KEEP YOUR HANDS WARM). The double layered, reinforced pant seat keeps your posterior warm and worry-free from being accidentally exposed (keep that crevice covered because no one likes a frozen behind). Then there are the articulated knees so that your ankles don’t get left bare every time you lunge forward up that mountain to success. BUT WAIT! THERE’S MORE. The lower snow gaiter with metal boot clip and zipper cuff with reinforced heel guard help keep rain and snow out of your boots. Finally, these technical pants are made from 100% Nylon Taslan Oxford with 100% Polyester Brushed Tricot Lining. The features of these pants are a little complicated, but the steps to get them and get into them are simple. Get yourself a pair today.
Come, come sit down by the fireside and hear this tale before you go back out into the cold. Let me tell you a story about a vest. It wasn’t just any vest, but the STORMTECH EVX-1 Men’s Horizon Vest. What was so special about it, you ask? Well, for starters, its outer shell was magically resistant to water. They say that this men’s vest used D/W/R Durable Water-Resistant magic. One day, this vest was minding its own business on the outskirts of the kingdom palace (it was a very pleasant, but brisk day) when a great snow beast came along and bellowed, “STEP FORWARD, HE WHO HAS THE MESH AND TAFFETA LINING.” The peasants within the kingdom walls shuddered when they heard this voice, but the rain vest remained impassive. As the snow beast drew near, the STORMTECH vest finally zipped up its inside security pocket, cellphone pocket, and front pockets so that it wouldn’t lose any of its belongings (because in a few moments, there would surely be a lot of movement occurring). The snow beast reared its ugly cold climate face and blew a freezing wind so fierce that it would have instantly encase the kingdom in ice, but the horizon vest was there to stand up with its stand-up collar and block the dark magic creature. The heroic vest then adjusted its adjustable elastic drawcord hem and said only two words back to the beast, “Shut up.” Then, with a flurry of unimaginable magic, the vest slayed the snow beast and saved the kingdom once again. Hooray! Now go on and let this story motivate you to be your best in this technical vest as you find your own hero’s journey.
Hats. Hats on cats. Cats in hats. That could be you with that hat on (but are you a cat?). Which hat? This STORMTECH FLE-1 Fleece Hat. It has an elasticized binding edge for a clean, finished look. What else does this beanie hat feature? It’s made of 100% Polyester bonded anti-pill fleece. What does that even mean? You know those little tufts or balls of fabric that begin to appear after a couple washes on your clothes or blankets? Those are called pills. And man are they a pill. Save yourself some money and effort in the long run and invest in this cool fleece cap today.
Look out! There’s an evil madman–no, wait, SNOWMAN–rapid-firing snowballs at people! Good thing you arrived on the scene with your STORMTECH GD-2W Women’s Expedition Bomber Jacket. Now you can bomb the hell out of that crazed snowman with the bomb H2XTREME waterproof and breathable outer shell. Duck! Whew, dodged that snowball bullet. Use the quilted down-filled body, hood, and sleeves as armor against this snowman and the cold. Zip up that 2-way center front zipper to keep the snow, water, and cold from freezing your chest and torso. Keep all your battle gadgets secured in the oversized lower cargo pockets and–SNOWBALL! As you crouch behind that pine tree for cover, slide your hands into the side entry hand warmer pockets to get your hands back up to speed, and by speed I mean normal temperature. Before you go back into battle, check the comfort of your adjustable waist along with the knit rib cuff and bottom hem (no, it’s not the same as BBQ ribs, sorry). Feel the support of your reinforced elbow patches and then head into battle! Punch that snowman’s carrot nose right off of his face and tell him to stop throwing snowballs at people. NOT COOL, SNOWBRO. Don this women’s bomber jacket today and face the winter flurry head-on.
Leather jackets never go out of style. But maybe a real leather jacket is a little above your budget and you don’t really care if people know that it’s real or synthetic leather because you’re better than other people’s negative opinions on what you wear. You’re better than that. Continue being better while donning this STORMTECH LMX-2 Men’s Academy Melton Jacket, with washable synthetic leather sleeves, collar, and pockets, all lined with quilted polyfill. Mount your bike and ride off to your favorite bar as the relaxed fit, rib-knit waistband hugs your waist. Feel confident as you walk into the establishment with your classic tailored collar. Pull some bills out of your inside document pocket. Then slightly unzip your jacket to show that yes, there is a zipper hidden within that full front placket. But don’t stop there. Put your hands into the welted hand warmer pockets because you don’t need hands to drink. You’re a man, darnit. And since we know that you’ve got more important things to do than look online for synthetic leather jackets to look cool, just know that this jacket right here is functional, affordable, and badass in its simplicity. Get it before it’s gone like the whiskey you ordered (because I drank it while you busy looking at leather jackets for men).
Stay cool… TO THE MAX with this STORMTECH GFX-2 Men’s Coolmax FreshFX Short Sleeve Polo. Stay fresh with the 100% Coolmax Extreme Fresh FX moisture management system, and stay classy with the self-fabric collar that you can pop or not because THE CHOICE IS YOURS… TO THE MAX. Beyond this polo t shirt’s awesome odor resistance, it features 5 levels of unbuttoning power in the 5-button front placket. The raglan sleeves will allow more flexibility and motion… TO THE MAX, while offering a sporty style and athletic aesthetic. Finally, this 100% Polyester shirt has contrast piping details to make you stand out TO THE MAX and fine double-needle top-stitching on the sleeves and shirt hems for durability TO THE MAX. Don’t settle for the minimum. In fact, don’t even settle for the maximum. Go to the max AND BEYOND with this polo shirt today.
Going to a party? Break the ice with this STORMTECH LJX-1W Women’s Icebreaker Parka. Trust me, as someone who types all day long with minimal human interaction, I know that people at parties will totally be into that. They’ll be all like, “Whoa dude, sweet 3/4 length women’s jacket. And it’s fully seam sealed, too? No way, man! With set-in sleeves, elasticized cuff gaiters, and adjustable cuff tabs so your arms can be all, like, not chilled by the wind. Whoa.” And then someone else will step in with a similar long parka, but no one will pay attention to them because everyone will be focused on the stand-up collar and adjustable detachable hood of your parka, so important for protecting your beautiful head from foul weather conditions. The party might just literally stop when you walk in because of the entrancing nature of all the excellent details of your parka. Party-goers will surround you, taking a closer look at the right chest and side welted zip pockets, the full-length outer and inner storm plackets, embroidery access, open hem with adjustable drawcord (for even more draft protection), and inside document and ID zip pockets (just don’t let them get too close, or else you might get your parka and identity stolen). Need more reasons to get this parka? Alright, I’ll give you one more. Parka starts with the letter p… and so does Party.
Hey. Hey you. Come over here. Look at this. Look at it. The STORMTECH CFZ-1W Women’s Classic Hoody. Feast your eyes upon the glamorous neutral colors of this sweatshirt. All your friends will be amazed by the figure-flattering princess seams and your double-layer hood because it’s double-layer for double the fun. Speaking of double, there’s also a 2×2 rib at the bottom hem and cuffs, which isn’t the same thing as BBQ ribs, but it is deliciously fashionable. Then you have your standard full front zip, because a back zip would be complicated and inefficient, and why go for a partial zip when you can have the full shebang. At the end of the day, you’ll throw off your women’s hoody, then longingly glance at it for a while only to rush forward to don it yet again because you can’t resist its sweet comforts, caring gazes, and soft 80% Cotton and 20% Polyester caress. Ah yes. What a wonderful women’s sweatshirt this is. Get yours today before someone else sweeps it off its metaphorical feet.
If you’ve made it this far, then I’ll admit that I’m impressed. IMPRESSED TO DRESS *suddenly wearing all STORMTECH apparel* *suddenly climbing Kilimanjaro* *suddenly Beard* *suddenly chopping wood with an ax* *suddenly tobogganing down Mount Everest, being followed closely by an avalanche* Can’t wait to get out in the cold? Stay warm, don’t catch a cold. Get your STORMTECH technical clothing today.
Game of Thrones